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Oh my,

It’s been a very long time since I’ve posted.
Life is different, I am different.
So, let me reintroduce myself:

I’m 27, I live in Maine.  I write about my mental health mostly.  Everyday I fight Borderline Personality, Generalized Anxiety, Major Depressive, and Posttraumatic Stress disorders.  I try to stay optimistic, but this shit sucks.  
I’m a broke ass artist on 4 medications, not including marijuana.  I play video games and grow plants.

My boyfriend just moved in with me,  I have some art hung up at a local restaurant.  Fall is here and I am NOT looking forward to the Maine winter.  I cant stand the constant grey skies.  I’m trying to get as many plants as I can growing inside so that I won’t feel so empty and alone.  Because that’s what grey skies do to me.  I’m about to ask my psychologist to try some different medication because the ones I am on aren’t helping the symptoms they are supposed to be.  I’m on 200mgs of Lamictal for mood swings, but it has had no impact at all. My anxiety is worse and every night that I don’t smoke weed I have very vivid nightmares.  So here’s hoping.

A lot of terrible shit has happened recently and I’m having a hard time.  I hope that by writing in here again I can create a healthy outlet for my anxieties and depression.
I am excited for fall candles and fuzzy socks.
I love carving pumpkins and buying presents for people.
I also post about my life and mental health on Instagram- Bombshell.marie

Until next time.
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Where did I go?

I’ve been feeling pretty numb since Sunday the 5th.
I started Vyvanse on Monday.  Stimulants have always acted as a sort of mood stabilizer for me.  Stabilizing my moods by taking them away.  I can’t decide which is worse, uncontrollable frequent mood swings or not being able to feel anything at all.  I’m hoping that as my body gets used to the drug my feelings will return.
Its nice not to constantly second guess yourself and everyone around you.  I used to wonder what people were doing all the time and imagine all the ways that they could be stabbing me in the back.  But now I don’t give a shit.  I don’t lose my temper at perceived negativity.  I don’t feel lonely, I don’t feel sad.
Jealousy usually kills me, but its not killing me now.
Destroy what destroys you.

But I am not happy.  Along with all those other feelings I’ve lost I seem to have also lost joy, passion, and the ability to empathize.

Mostly I feel bored and frustrated.  When nothing gives you pleasure its hard to keep occupied.  I am frustrated that I cannot access my emotions because of the people around me.  I can’t show love to the people I know I love.  I cant reciprocate their happiness or excitement.  
I’ve gotten a lot of small tasks done and made a lot of phone calls that Id normally be to anxious to make.  I’m not taking it for no reason.

The world is strange.  Neurotransmitters are complicated.  Medication isn’t always hit or miss, there’s a lot of grey area.  There’s a lot of “wait and see”.  So I suppose thats what I’ll do.  I just wanted to check in, let everyone know how things are going.  I hope to write more, but right now I don’t really care.

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When loss has to happen.

It hurts to admit when people are not good for your mental health.  I’ve had to do this way too often lately. It’s difficult to boot people out of your life, it hurts, I will miss them, but I have to.
Most of my friends are damaged in some way.  I fit in with them because they are also unstable, irrational, passionate, and bitter.  But in the long run, I don’t want to be like them.  I don’t want to be how I am now, I want to be better.

I want to help people.  I want to be happy, I want to inspire courage and compassion.  I want to be a role model for little girls.  I can’t do this by being a bitter anti-social alcoholic.

If these people are happy being who they are, great- good for them, but theres just no place in my life for that kind of negativity or those kinds of behaviors.  Having BPD, GAD, and MDD makes my life hard and negative enough, I dont need other sources.  I want to be around people who can see my shine even though I’m covered in dirt.  I want to lift others up and be lifted up by friends.
I’ve changed a lot in the past year and realized how unhealthy some of my friendships are. I have no interest in some of the activities I used to love.  I have too much respect for myself to sleep with someone who is sleeping with other women.  I dont need a beer to watch a movie with a friend, although I do smoke a lot of weed now.

I find myself trying to change the subject when the discussion is negative for too long.  I never used to care.  I used to have a lot of patience for people going through a hard time, I let people treat me like shit- no fucking longer.

I associate unstable people with passion which is why I usually love them, except now, I can see how harmful they can be. If I want to recover, and I really really do, I have to be responsible for my life, my actions, my words, and those I surround myself with.  I wont be stepped on, I wont be taken for granted, I wont be used, I wont be disrespected.  I will better myself.

I’ll be out climbing mountains while you’re drinking away the days memories of your dead end job.

 

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Rebirth

A few years ago I began a new chapter in my life.  I became the sole person in charge of my apartment, giving me control over my surroundings and who I live with.  I started therapy and medication for Borderline Personality Disorder and co-occuring disorders- Generalized Anxiety and Major Depressive.  I thought this was the beginning of a quest to find myself, to be in charge of my life again, to find happiness and solace, to confront and move past the enormous amount of trauma I had already endured in my 23 years of life.
Despite my efforts, I have lost myself more than I ever could have imagined.

The trauma work I did in therapy cracked me open like an egg.  Unfortunately my therapist was let go before I could finish and I’ve been cracked ever since.  I feel the psychic pain from my trauma every single day now.  Every morning I have to convince myself that life is worth living.  Every fucking day my mind tells me that nothing will ever get better, it uses past experiences as proof because this nightmare of trauma hasn’t stopped since I was 8 years old.  Everything inside of my tells me that no one will ever love me, I will never make a difference.  That maybe I was meant to kill myself.  That everyone will be relieved, they’ll be better off without me around.  Nothing will ever get better.

And then theres this tiny voice that whispers, “But what if it does..?”  And that is the only reason I am still here.

Nothing is consistent or regular in my life.  I dont have a regular therapist or psychologist anymore, and the idiots I do see can barely keep up with prescribing my meds.   I have no “support system” and whenever my doctors ask about my family support I have to relive the fucking trauma of all of them CHOOSING not to be in my life over again.  Thats right, not only have I lost myself, I’ve also lost friends and family over the past few years.
Instead of continuing to be a cynical unloving bitch, I’ve been using the skills I learned in Dialectal Behavioral Therapy to try to become more compassionate and reach out to others.  I stopped hiding who I was trusting that my loved ones would accept me for who I am, well guess what, they didnt.

During a time I needed my friends and family the most, right after I tried to kill myself, I had people flat out tell me “I dont like the person you’ve become.”  People that I used to drop EVERYTHING for to help.  For a long time I allowed myself to be bullied, to be made to feel like a monster undeserving of love. The most violent actions and words have been pushed on me by those that have also said “I love you”.  I pitied myself and went further into depression.  I stopped my meds because i they started to affect my memory, concentration, and energy.  That was stupid because my natural problems are way worse.
Anyways, now that I am back on Celexa I feel a power rising in me. I can see clearer and I feel stronger.  I KNOW I am not a monster.  I KNOW that these people chose to abandon me out of their own weakness and ignorance.  Although the sadness of this still haunts me, the strongest emotion I feel is anger.  I am impulsive and the people I used to surround myself with were not good ones.  Loved ones leaving you when you’re at your weakest is a cruel cruel thing but, man, is it clarifying.

Nature has gotten rid of the people I can’t count on.
I don’t wish ill on these people, except maybe a punch in the face from me, but mostly I dont ever want to see or speak to them again.  I want to start my life fresh.  I want a clean slate.  But its a little hard when they all live in my vicinity and I could run into any of them at any time.  Harder still is the fact that I can no longer participate in family functions because….I dont have one.

So why am I still here? I’ve lived in Maine most of my life because I was born here. Born here from people who wont even talk to me about my mental illness.  As far as I can remember I have never liked the cold, frankly, its strange I haven’t moved yet.  I’ve focused on relationships and friendships for too long and its time to focus on myself.
I am currently creating and executing the first stages of moving out of New England.

Anger has always been my greatest motivator.  It shoves reality in my face and makes me realize I deserve better.  I want to be happy and I will.

So fuck it and fuck you all. 

(Not my readers, the people I just spoke of <3)

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6 months since I last posted.  My laptop has been shit for a while, but it got to the point where I couldn’t even load this site anymore. That and the personal things I posted here were causing a bit of trouble in my personal life…who would’ve thought?

Anyways SO I am only on Clonazepam now and I just started Cymbalta, but its not at a therapeutic dose yet.  Im only at 30mgs but will probably go up Monday when I see my new psychologist. Thats right, I said NEW! I finally got rid of my judgmental bitch and now I see Rana, who has some type of excellent accent close to German.
Yeah, my depression and anxiety are off the charts and my mood swings are as bad as always.  I smoke weed A LOT more now just to fucking deal with life off of the medication.  Pretty much it keeps me from killing myself.  But my anxiety is so bad that I can barely do anything alone.  And my depression is so bad that I feel like nothing fucking matters…ever.

After DBT I went from seeing Melissa for a therapist back to Lisa who moved, so now I see Emily.  Ive only seen her twice and she doesnt make me feel particularly comfortable.  Shes very quiet and expects me to continuously talk without any input and thats not really my thang.

My summer has been pretty excellent because of Steven.  We’ve been able to combine our awesomeness and go on a lot of camping trips.  By awesomeness I mean, his car and campsite payment and my food and camping gear.  Super happy that Josh left all of his shit behind, but I think I’ll need a new tent for next year.  This one is awesome and has never leaked but its tiny as hell.  I also want a proper hiking backpack because Ive been using those Jansport bags since I was fucking 5 and never stoppped.  I want something I can hook my tent and sleeping bag onto.  So we’ve gone camping, hiking, and swimming a ton of times, we even went to fucking PHILADELPHIA.  Dude thats a whole other post.

Although I been having more big adventures Ive been less active overall.  Having access to a car is great but I’ve definitely gained weight and I dont walk and bike half as much as I did last summer.  Im not really sure I even could do all the things I did last summer because of my anxiety.  Ofcourse I was on 5 meds then.  I wish I had never gone off of them.  I feel like I’ve just set myself back by months.  But the grass is always greener so Im sure Id still want to get off them if I wasnt already.

Anyways-  Im pretty fucking active on Instagram, advocating for all of the things I do here.
Follow me- bombshell.marie

 

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Graduating from DBT

I know all of the skills by heart and often help other group members out.  In my mind I can link them together for maximum relief.  I’ve been in Dialectal Behavioral Therapy for a year and 3 months.

For some reason I thought DBT was going to change my life.  I thought when I was done I’d have things under control, Id have myself under control.  I am smarter than I was before.  Ive memorized the pages that tell me how to react in stressful situations, how to handle my emotions, but I only manage to follow it 50% of the time.

The hardest thing about DBT group, isnt the group or learning, its applying.  No one is there to hit the pause button in the moment before a breakdown so that you have time to figure things out.  Now that I am finished with it, I feel very naked.  I’m on my own in terms of applying the skills Ive learned towards my fractured mind.  I feel like I’ve been put in a cave of monsters and given only a wooden sword to fight them.

I feel stupid for thinking I could make that much progress in a year.  For thinking that I could be okay in a relationship.  That I could make and keep friends.  That I could let go.

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Hiatus

Thats what I’m going on.  Every time I sit down to write my mind goes blank.  So I’m getting away from blogging for like a month.  See you then190kf8pi129tljpg