From this past September to some time in January I lost all hope that I could be helped.
That I could ever be happy or functional.
That my psychologist and I would ever find a combination of meds that work.
That my mood swings, morbid sense of humor, and anxiety would ever be accepted by my family or friends.
That I would ever make new friends.
I was hanging on by a thread, going through the motions every day and walking through my life like a ghost with barely enough motivation to even wake up in the morning.
In September, Celexa, an anti-depressant, stopped working. The only med that worked, that let me laugh. My heart broke when this happened. After that I was put on Zoloft, another anti-depressant. I have another whole blog detailing how that ruined my life. I turned into a psychopath. I didnt trust anyone and my mind was completely unraveled, I ruined friendships.
After that I was put on Risperdal, an anti-psychotic that made me gain 10lbs in 2 weeks. I really didn’t need help hating myself. Then I was taken off of it and put on Lamictal, a mood stabilizer, which you have to increase the dose very slowly, and by slowly I mean 10mgs every 2 weeks, so I was basically on nothing.
Around December I was put back on Celexa, which takes about a month to kick in and I was still slowly increasing my dosage of Lamictal. The combination worked for my depression and mood swings and continues to work. I was also put on gabapentin which works as a mood stabilizer and anti-anxiety. It sounds like a lot of drugs, and it is. I take 6 pills every morning, including Fish Oil and, yeah, I get stomach cramps if I don’t eat something with them and I have tremors in my hands quite often, so its not without side effects. But I will gladly handle stomach cramps and shaking hands in order to not cry everyday, keep friends, laugh, and have the ability, finally, FINALLY, to relax.
About three weeks ago the combination of all these meds, my trauma work in therapy, and what Im learning in DBT kicked in and it felt like a fucking weight had been lifted off of my back. A fog had cleared from my head. Thinking about this makes me want to cry with happiness. My view of people and on relationships has completely changed. My ability to communicate and put up with confusion and negativity improved greatly. Situations that normally would have brought on rage fits and intense frightening mood swings didnt. When I used to drink I used to get incredibly emotional especially in the presence of someone I care about. I was recently in a situation like this and the fact that I didnt start screaming, shaking or throwing things off of porches was dumb founding. Something that made me happy happened and that feeling actually fucking lasted for longer than a day.
My daily anxiety is gone, by this I mean I can be alone with my thoughts and not go postal. I can relax, do nothing all day without completely fucking hating myself. I attribute this to the meds. I am more open with my emotions and my ability to trust not read into things has improved thanks to DBT and my personal therapist. In the past 2 months, Ive made 4 new friends and rekindled 4 old friendships. I finally told my step-mom that I loved her, something I’ve been afraid to do for years, btw I’ve known her since I was 9.
Other things have affected my life in a positive way as well. I finally have a room to myself. I can buy my own groceries and pay my own rent. I’m signing up a free art program as well as the Y. And spring is arriving.
All of this has happened because I simply held on. Many many times I was so close to quitting therapy completely, but didn’t. It was really hard to hang in there this long but Im glad I did.
You Are an amazing young lady with great talent! I am so happy you have continued in getting the help that you need and not giving up. I know how hard this is for you Nichole and I am so proud of you! Love you so much!
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