A few years ago I began a new chapter in my life. I became the sole person in charge of my apartment, giving me control over my surroundings and who I live with. I started therapy and medication for Borderline Personality Disorder and co-occuring disorders- Generalized Anxiety and Major Depressive. I thought this was the beginning of a quest to find myself, to be in charge of my life again, to find happiness and solace, to confront and move past the enormous amount of trauma I had already endured in my 23 years of life.
Despite my efforts, I have lost myself more than I ever could have imagined.
The trauma work I did in therapy cracked me open like an egg. Unfortunately my therapist was let go before I could finish and I’ve been cracked ever since. I feel the psychic pain from my trauma every single day now. Every morning I have to convince myself that life is worth living. Every fucking day my mind tells me that nothing will ever get better, it uses past experiences as proof because this nightmare of trauma hasn’t stopped since I was 8 years old. Everything inside of my tells me that no one will ever love me, I will never make a difference. That maybe I was meant to kill myself. That everyone will be relieved, they’ll be better off without me around. Nothing will ever get better.
And then theres this tiny voice that whispers, “But what if it does..?” And that is the only reason I am still here.
Nothing is consistent or regular in my life. I dont have a regular therapist or psychologist anymore, and the idiots I do see can barely keep up with prescribing my meds. I have no “support system” and whenever my doctors ask about my family support I have to relive the fucking trauma of all of them CHOOSING not to be in my life over again. Thats right, not only have I lost myself, I’ve also lost friends and family over the past few years.
Instead of continuing to be a cynical unloving bitch, I’ve been using the skills I learned in Dialectal Behavioral Therapy to try to become more compassionate and reach out to others. I stopped hiding who I was trusting that my loved ones would accept me for who I am, well guess what, they didnt.
During a time I needed my friends and family the most, right after I tried to kill myself, I had people flat out tell me “I dont like the person you’ve become.” People that I used to drop EVERYTHING for to help. For a long time I allowed myself to be bullied, to be made to feel like a monster undeserving of love. The most violent actions and words have been pushed on me by those that have also said “I love you”. I pitied myself and went further into depression. I stopped my meds because i they started to affect my memory, concentration, and energy. That was stupid because my natural problems are way worse.
Anyways, now that I am back on Celexa I feel a power rising in me. I can see clearer and I feel stronger. I KNOW I am not a monster. I KNOW that these people chose to abandon me out of their own weakness and ignorance. Although the sadness of this still haunts me, the strongest emotion I feel is anger. I am impulsive and the people I used to surround myself with were not good ones. Loved ones leaving you when you’re at your weakest is a cruel cruel thing but, man, is it clarifying.
Nature has gotten rid of the people I can’t count on.
I don’t wish ill on these people, except maybe a punch in the face from me, but mostly I dont ever want to see or speak to them again. I want to start my life fresh. I want a clean slate. But its a little hard when they all live in my vicinity and I could run into any of them at any time. Harder still is the fact that I can no longer participate in family functions because….I dont have one.
So why am I still here? I’ve lived in Maine most of my life because I was born here. Born here from people who wont even talk to me about my mental illness. As far as I can remember I have never liked the cold, frankly, its strange I haven’t moved yet. I’ve focused on relationships and friendships for too long and its time to focus on myself.
I am currently creating and executing the first stages of moving out of New England.
Anger has always been my greatest motivator. It shoves reality in my face and makes me realize I deserve better. I want to be happy and I will.
So fuck it and fuck you all.
(Not my readers, the people I just spoke of <3)
Destroy What Destroys You 